Friday, July 24, 2009

Signs Everywhere

Wednesday was hard, harder than most days. I have yet to find the word which adequately describes the emptiness. I park the car and automatically open the back door, reaching for Cooper, but he isn't there. To take Abbi for a walk leaves my hands searching for the stroller and Cooper's face looking back at me. The day is no longer full of therapy, floor time, meds and feedings. We still say goodnight to Cooper every night, but there is no more bath or bedtime routine. Each day is just another day. 

For some crazy reason I thought it would feel better, maybe even good, to put Cooper's crib back in his room. The DME company came to pick up all of the borrowed medical equipment on Tuesday and I wanted his room to feel like it did before the gm1 became more intense. Once we had the twin beds back in the guest room, the crib in Cooper's room and the doors back on their hinges, I knew it was wrong. I was thankful for David's patience and that he just quietly helped me put it back the way Cooper left it. 
This week I tried out an adult horseback riding class. For one hour it felt good to focus on the movements of the horse and let go of my thoughts. On my way home I was flooded with memories of Cooper riding with me on his first birthday and the look of content and enjoyment on his face when riding (hippotherapy) with Mrs Jennifer. 

This morning I woke up longing for morning time snuggles and the smell of last night's bath. What I wouldn't give to feel the weight of his body in my arms and his head on my chest. 

Little reminders of Cooper are everywhere... the bluejay feather we found on a walk, the butterflies that tease each other above our swing, the dragonfly that welcomed me home from the grocery store... maybe it's just me missing him so badly which makes me hold onto this feeling that everything has a deeper meaning. It certainly helps me get through the day to think so, even if it sounds a little crazy. Maybe it's all perspective, seeing what we want to see, but at times those little reminders make me smile so I'm not going to analyze it.

The other day I went to visit Cooper at the Gardens and just as I was sitting down a little frog popped up! It surprised me a little but then it just sat with me as if to say don't worry, he's never alone. Cooper's little frog was still there when I left.


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